Jeremiah 32:2-3 “This is what the Lord says—the Lord who made the earth, who formed and established it, whose name is the Lord: 3 Ask me and I will tell you remarkable secrets you do not know about things to come.” NLT
I sat in the car today in a parking garage and I cried. The heaving, blubbering, snotty kind of crying that is at once embarrassing yet rejuvenative all at the same time. My only thought was “please don’t let the person next to me come to their car”. They probably would have called the police, thinking a hyena was dying in the car. Ok, well that is probably a little over the top but that’s just the kind of crying it was. When it was all over, I wiped my face and went to Starbucks. Yes, it was that kind of day.
I would ask if you ever have those kind of days where you just feel like you are the pinata in a children’s party gone mad but I sense that would be a silly question. If you are following my blog, it probably is more or less because you relate to my particular brand of insanity so I know you are well aware of how I feel. There was a time when i would blame God for all of this. When I would have raged at the heavens, wondering why He had it in for me. When I would have let the world tell me what would make it all feel better. (Let me insert here that Starbucks does make me feel better, worldly or not) So this would be the part of the blog where I would tell you that I am feeling so wonderful because I turned it all over to Him, spending my day in mediation and prayer, ending my day with a loving gaze over the pictures of my family that line the hallway.
Hhhhhmmmmm. Since I made a vow to try to keep God’s commandments thus not telling a lie, this would be the part of the blog where I tell you the end of my day was just as crummy as the beginning. I ate a donut for lunch and even made a second trip to Starbucks. (They cheated. They gave me a coupon for a discounted drink after 2pm) I came home and grumbled and griped my way through the rest of the evening, wasting 2 hours on cooking shows and political commentary. I cleaned a closet, throwing out things I will probably want back. My mood was made even cheerier when I realized that I owned 3 shirts that look exactly alike and if I was a tidier closet keeper, I might have realized that. I tried to read a “good book” but I kept getting mad because the heroine was such a “good girl”, thus making me feel like even more of a failure.
So here I sit, at ten at night, trying to write an upbeat blog. It was at this moment that I realized that you don’t want me to write about how great my life is. You want me to write about how real my life is. How a lot of things don’t go right. How I don’t write in my journal every day. How I yell at my kids. How I have been known to throw a dish against the wall. (ok well maybe you didn’t want to know that but I can assure you that it makes a satisfying crash. However, then you are more mad because you have to clean it up) How the fear still crawls into my head when the house is still and the darkness falls. How I don’t know how to juggle the constant demands of motherhood and being a good wife. I also know this about our friendship. You are there for me. Listening, praying, reading, laughing, crying, and just being a part of my journey. Known and unknown, seen and unseen, I feel you there. At the end of this miserable, coffee fueled, crappy day, my Abba was also here. Whispering His love for me. Telling me to go to bed. For tomorrow is another day. Lamentations 3:23 “Because of the LORD’s great love we are not consumed, for His compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.” NIV